QUIEN SOY YO

I AM PAM
By: Pamela Ponce Mascorro

I am Pam.
I am another American Dream kid.
I am my parent's pride.
Like many, I am Mexican.
Like many, I faced many challenges as a kid.
Like many, my family was on welfare until they could catch a breath.
Like many, I am the oldest sibling who always had to be a second mother.
Like many, I was looked at.
I was the expectation.
I NEEDED to be better than my parents.
I needed to succeed.
I needed to be what they were not.

What exactly is success?
Success is hard to describe.
For many, success is a big house, a dream car, a fat bank account.
It took me years,
but now I know what success is.
At least to me.
Success is happiness.
How happy you are
determines your amount of success.

For many years, I was not successful.
I had it all.
College education,
Great paying job,
Dream car,
Husband that cared for me,
Family that loved me unconditionally,
Physical health.
You might wonder,
Why wasn't I successful?

My brain was fighting me.
I was my worst enemy
This was a saga that continued for years
It is no joke when they say after high school you find yourself
How do you find yourself if you don't even know who you are?
Many days were wasted in anxiety
Many moments overshadowed by panic attacks
Many years shadowed by depression

Thousands of hours trying new remedies
New meditations, new therapists, new medications
I felt as if I would never be normal
I felt as if all the struggle my parents made for me was in vain.
I was not successful.
I was not happy.
For years, my weight fluctuated 50 pounds over,
50 pounds under every couple of months.
Side effects became my new way of self.
I was tired.
Eventually, so were those around me.

What was the end?
I haven't reached the end yet.
I never will.
Mental illness doesn't just disappear.
It lessens and you learn how to handle it.
It is still very much there for me.
But I choose to handle it.
Instead of it controlling me,
I CONTROL IT.

I will be 26 in a couple of weeks.
I can now say I found myself.
I am still a work in progress
but I will not let my past define me.
I may be medicated,
but I am better.
I am in love.
I am back in school after 5 years.
I am considering starting a family with my husband.
I got a job promotion.
I am healthy.
I am happy.
Therefore, 
I AM SUCCESSFUL.

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